


I'll Try

by itislacey



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cutting, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-20
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-23 12:32:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,804
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8328028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itislacey/pseuds/itislacey
Summary: Dan has been getting help for his self-harm problem, and all he’s asked to do is at least try to get better. So when a volunteer, Phil, asks him to try, Dan will do just that. If not for himself, then for Phil.





	

**Author's Note:**

> nothing too graphic here, but all the same, be careful if you get triggered!

At the young age of twenty-three, Dan Howell had never thought he would find happiness. He especially didn’t think he would find it in a rehab center, right near the outskirts of London. But life was crazy like that, he supposed. Dan never knew just what to expect.

It might have taken a few years for him to realize he needed help, but the point of the matter is that he got some. Even if he still did struggle day to day.

“Will you be joining us in support group today?” a nurse, Jillian, asked Dan that morning. 

Now, Dan wasn’t too fond of support groups. He didn’t like telling so many people at once what his problems were and how they made him feel. No one there except the guy who ran it actually cared, but the others still heard him talking. They did have ears. He looked at Jillian, shaking his head no.

“Oh, come on, Dan. You should try it at least for today. It might make you feel a lot better.”

“I’m not feeling down,” Dan replied. In truth, he wasn’t. He had his good days and his bad days, and today just happened to be one of the good ones. 

Jillian smiled softly at him. “If that’s what you want.” She began to back out of his room before stopping short. “Oh! I almost forgot. I was supposed to give this to you.” She fished a folded up piece of paper out of her pocket, heading over to Dan’s bed to give it to him. “I’ll see you later.” She left the room without another word.

Dan unfolded the paper carefully, flipping it over so he could properly read the words on the page. It was from a regular volunteer here. One of Dan’s favorites, actually.

Dan, 

I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can make it in today. Or tomorrow, for that matter. We actually got some snow as I’m sure you can see from your window, and transportation is a bit wonky at the moment. Since you can’t talk to me until I come back, I ask that you go to support group at least once out of these two days. If not for you, then for me. I promise I will be back as soon as I can. 

-Phil :3

Dan stared at the note, letting one tear escape his eye and land on the page. It smeared a bit of the P on Phil’s name.

There was a time when Dan had no idea who Phil was, and he survived-barely-without him. But up until Phil came along and talked to him, Dan was still pretty sad. Those were the times he had all the bad days and never the good. Phil brought him the good days, and now he was without them for two. Instantly, he felt a bit sad. He most certainly did not want to go to support group-ever. Why would he need to when he had Phil to talk to and get comfort from? He was a lot better than some strangers and doctors. Phil understood. Phil helped him out.

Dan couldn’t help but look at his bare arms. They were littered with quite a few scars, some bigger and thicker than the rest. He had been clean for almost a month now, but nearly lost all his progress last week when he saw other patients getting visits from their parents and loved ones. It reminded Dan that his parents didn’t care enough to come see him and see how he was doing. 

It was that same night that Dan went into the bathroom in his room, and smashed the mirror in front of him. Shards fell all over, and Dan picked up the nearest one, oblivious to the blood that dripped from his fingers after he had smashed the mirror. The sound of the mirror breaking was loud enough to alert others, and Phil just so happened to be the first one in the room.

“Dan,” he breathed, taking in the scene before him. He carefully stepped over the shards until he was faced with Dan. He grabbed Dan’s wrist, and gently removed the jagged glass from Dan’s hand. He didn’t so much as put up a fight.

“P-Phil,” he stuttered, collapsing into the boy's arms and sobbing. 

“Shh, it’s okay, Dan.” He rubbed his back, letting Dan cry into his shoulder as he did so. Once Dan had calmed down quite a bit, Phil moved him back to his bed and got a janitor to clean up the bathroom straight away. “Tell me what’s wrong,” Phil whispered, still holding onto Dan as they laid in his bed. 

Dan shook his head, small sobs still escaping his throat. 

“You can talk to me, Dan. You know that.”

“M-My parents d-don’t love me,” he hiccuped, sniffling heavily. 

“That’s not true,” Phil said matter-of-fact. “They do love you. You’re their son.”

“Then why don’t they come visit?” Dan asked, pulling away and looking into Phil’s blue eyes. He wiped his nose on his arm before saying, “Everyone else’s parents come visit them. Or at least call to see how they’re doing. Mine haven’t said a word to me since I came here two months ago.” Tears streamed down his face again as Phil pulled him in close. 

Phil nuzzled into Dan’s neck, breathing him in. “I’m sorry, Dan. Don’t let them upset you. Wouldn’t it be great if you got better and then surprised them when you got out? You can show them how you haven’t cut in months and that you’re a much stronger person now.”

“But I almost ruined it all tonight. What if you weren’t here?” 

Phil looked at him, smiling sadly. Dan was right. What if Phil hadn’t been here? In fact, he was gathering up his things and getting ready to say bye to Dan when he caught him. He sat there, letting Dan snuggle close to him when he suddenly got an idea. “Wait!”

Dan pulled back, wiping his eyes. “What?”

Reluctantly, Phil peeled Dan off his body and bent down to dig through his bag. When his fingers grazed the smooth plastic, he pulled the sheet from his bag and showed Dan.

“Stickers?” Dan asked, confused. 

“Yeah!” Phil said with a smile. He ripped off the plastic, peeling off one of the kitten stickers at the top. “In case I’m not here, and you ever feel the need to cut, don’t. Instead, place a sticker on where you were going to harm yourself, and think of me.” He lifted Dan’s arm up, placing the kitten sticker on his wrist. He pressed it down gently, making sure it was going to stay.

Dan looked at it, then back up at Phil. “What if it doesn’t work?”

“You have to try and believe that it will, Dan.” Phil peeled another sticker off, this one a different colored cat, playing with yarn. He stuck it to Dan’s other wrist, smoothing it out before setting the rest of the package on the nightstand next to the bed. “If you don’t try, then you won’t succeed. I’ll leave the stickers with you and bring some more tomorrow, okay? For tonight, try to sleep and think of happier things. Can you do that for me?”

“I can try,” Dan said sheepishly. 

“That’s all I ask.” Phil smiled, kissing Dan quickly on the top of his head before pulling away and wishing him goodnight. 

Dan wasn’t allowed another mirror. He wasn’t even allowed that bathroom anymore. They had locked the door so he couldn't get inside. If he wanted to use the bathroom, he had to get a nurse to take him down the hall to the community toilets. It was the same for showers. He supposed it was only fair, considering what he tried to do. But usually Phil was here to take him. But now because of the stupid snow, he wasn’t. 

Dan pouted as he looked out the window at the falling snow, grumbling underneath his breath. England never got any weather like this. And of course the one time they did, it left Dan without Phil. Dan wished that Phil had gotten stuck here instead. Even though this place wasn’t, exactly, great.

There was a knock on his door, and Jillian entered. “So, support group?”

Rolling his eyes, Dan followed Jillian out of his room and down the hall to where the rest of the patients were waiting in a circle. He grabbed a chair closest to the door, keeping his gaze cast downwards. 

“Thank you for joining us, Dan,” Doctor Edgar said from the other side of the circle. “It’s always a pleasure to have you.”

“I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for Phil,” Dan grumbled, crossing his arms.

Doctor Edgar chuckled. “Then I suppose I should thank him. Now,” he began, moving on, “who would like to go first?”

Support group was only an hour long, but that was long enough for Dan. By the end of it, he was just ready to go back to his room and sleep. But it was only four o’clock, and the facility had rules about bedtime and naps. Naps were only allowed for thirty minutes, and you weren’t allowed to go to sleep until at  _ least  _ eight in the evening. And that’s only after all medication had been taken if needed.

So instead of going back to his room, Dan went to the rec hall and huddled up in a corner to people watch. He knew most of the patients here by now, most of them here for drug and substance abuse. A few were like Dan, here to get help for self-harm. There were others, here for reasons unknown to Dan. But as usual, he minded his own business.

The hours ticked by, and Dan was going mad. He was lonely and bored, watching people come and go or break down and have episodes. He missed Phil, despite it only being a day, and felt the weight in his chest suddenly lower. He wanted the pain to go away, and there was only one way he knew how.

Dan trudged back to his room, shutting the door behind him as he got on his hands and knees by his bed, reaching underneath and searching for the sharp nail that had fallen from the bed a few weeks ago. It was rusty and jagged, perfect for piercing anything frail. Dan stood up to take the nail to the corner of the room when he spotted the fresh pack of stickers on his nightstand, completely untouched and unopened. 

He eyed it for a moment, setting down the nail and picking up the thin package to study the stickers. They weren’t kittens this time, but they were dogs and hearts. More specifically, Shibes, which was Dan’s favorite kind of dog. Phil’s too, actually.

Dan picked up the rusty nail, playing with it in between his fingers. His gaze went back and forth from the package to the nail, and finally, he made his decision. He used the nail to cut the plastic on the stickers, pulling out one of the sheets. He tossed the nail aside, letting it hit the floor with a “clink.” 

The package came with two sheets, but Dan only used one. He pulled off the dogs, sticking them in various places along his arms. He used some of the hearts as well, sticking them around the dogs. He had one heart left, and peeled it off carefully, pulling down his thin shirt to place it right above his actual beating heart. 

He smiled at the additions, running his hands over the stickers as he thought of Phil. Oh, how he was going to be so proud of him! Dan could hardly wait until tomorrow had passed to show Phil his accomplishment. At least he would care. 

___

When the next day came, Dan expected it to go by rather slow. Much to his surprise, the day went by pretty quickly. He even attended support group again, despite Phil only asking that he do it once. He didn’t like it the second time around, either, but at least he tried, right? And that’s what he told Phil he would do. He would try. 

After that day came and went, it was finally the day that Phil said he would be back. It was also a Saturday, which meant Dan was allowed to sleep in, but he was suddenly awoken to hearing his name being whispered in his ear.

He cracked open one eye slowly, letting his vision focus on the black-haired boy in front of him. His blue eyes were wide and his smile was happy. And if that’s how he looked, then that’s how Dan felt. 

“Phil!” he squealed, launching into the boy’s arms.

Phil laughed, clinging back to Dan. “Hey, Dan. You miss me, I take it?”

“More than anything,” Dan said truthfully, and that’s when he remembered . . . “Oh, Phil, you will never believe it!”

“Believe what?” he sat back in the chair he had scooted over to Dan’s bed, waiting for the boy to continue with his story. 

“I did it!”

“Did what?” There was a smirk resting on his face, and he could already tell what Dan wanted to say to him. Mostly because there was physical evidence on his body.

“I used the stickers and they worked! I only used one sheet, but I placed them when I was hurting and I thought of you. They work, Phil. They really work!”

Phil broke out in a smile, hugging Dan and running his fingers through his brown hair. “I’m so proud of you!” 

“I even went to support group twice,” Dan said happily. “Even though I didn’t want to go a first time, I went twice!”

“Did it help you? Did you like it?” 

“No, but I tried. Because I said I would.”

Phil’s heart fluttered at that. If there was anything in this world that Phil could have wanted, it was for Dan to get better. And at least he was trying. If not for him, then for Phil. “I really am proud of you, Dan. You’re doing so well here.”

“Thank you,” Dan murmured, picking at one of the stickers on his wrist.

“There’s something I want to ask you,” Phil said, biting his lip nervously. 

“What?”

Phil leaned forward, trying to make himself appear calm and happy. “When you are better and it’s time to get out of here, do you want to go back home? You can be honest with me, Dan. I won’t tell anyone.”

Dan looked down at the floor, swallowing thickly. “Not really,” he admitted, a blush creeping up his neck.

“Alright. Instead of going home, would you maybe want to come to mine? You don’t have to, it’s just a suggestion, but-”

“Please!” Dan practically cried, throwing himself at Phil. 

Phil laughed as he held Dan and patted his back. “Okay, okay!”

Dan giggled, pulling away from Phil but still sitting in his lap. “I would miss you, you know.”

“What do you mean?” Phil asked.

“If I left here and didn’t see you again. I missed you for two days. I couldn’t imagine missing you for a lifetime.”

At that, Phil’s cheeks turned pink and his heart made a funny movement. He couldn’t help the smile that formed on his lips as he said, “I missed you in those two days as well.” Truthfully, it wasn’t the random snowfall that kept Phil from visiting Dan. All this time, Phil knew that Dan was a strong person. He just needed the right motivation. And in the real world, Phil knew he couldn’t stay with Dan twenty-four seven, so he stayed away for a while to see how he would do. And the results were better than he could have hoped for.

Phil tugged at the top of Dan’s shirt, briefly catching the glimpse of a sticker beneath it. “What’s that?” he asked Dan, pointing at his chest. 

“Oh.” Dan blushed, looking down and pulling his shirt down far enough for Phil to see. “It hurt there the other night. So I put a sticker there to make it better.”

“Did it work?” Phil choked on his words a bit, but kept his face looking happy. 

“It did. Because I knew you were coming back to me. And here you are.”

“Here I am,” Phil echoed.

Dan smiled, laughing a bit nervously. “Do you think I’ll get better soon and I can leave?”

“Yes. You’re already doing so well. As long as you keep this up, you will get to go home. Does that sound good?”

“It does,” Dan agreed. He stared into Phil’s eyes, wanting to get lost in them. In him. “So I’ll try.”


End file.
